8/4/11
Wow. Who knew things could get so crazy. I know I’m terrible about keeping up with things, but I want to get better. After a year and a half of having to pay $6oo a month for health insurance to the county I finally got accepted into Medicare part B and it is active now, so I got to switch over and save almost $500 a month.
This will be great for 2 months, but my rent is based on my income, so for anyone ever learning about disability, if you are ever on any kinds of benefits, if you ever get a plus at all in a column, all the services you are involved in will clamor all over themselves to get first in line to be the first to take it from you.
So, in October my rent will jump from $265 to probably $495, and I will have to pay co-pays on doctor appontments and of courase dont forget the all important prescriptions that will jump into orbit since the medicare program will do anything to fight coverage about anything.
I have had an ulcer since december (I had a gastric bypass 5 years ago) and was on a course of Prilosec through my doctor. They gave me two months of it and it worked great, after a month off I had problems again, so I got put back on it. The insurance company has been fighting it for a month since I don’t fit into one of their 4 ‘ categories” and so I live with the ulcer since I cannot afford the meds on my own. On the upside I lost 25 pounds!
On the downside I may have to go under stomach procedures or surgery because I can’t heal this ulcer because I can’t get this medicine.
Being disabled is a FULL TIME JOB, and if you have half a brain it is the most frustraing non-sensical mess you will ever face. since you can’t pay your old bills from your previous life you get sued alot and harassed by credit card companies, and no one wants to hear what you have to say. They don’t want to hear that you aren’t allowed to have ‘ANYTHING’. Nothing. No returement, no stocks, no nothing, no matter how hard you worked.
BUT– If you did work hard like I did for 30 years, you get penalized. You see, if you did very little all your life and you become disabled, you are set for life.
If you worked hard and make a great living, your disability is higher, so you have to PAY BACK through ‘penalties ‘ and ‘taxes’ to give it back so it evens you out with the people who are at the lower income from you. That makes everyone ‘the same’ so everyone is even.
I told my kids not to bother breaking their backs to work thi working hard for their life, because at the end it is all taken away from you if you aren’t in the top 5%. I was doing amazng until I was in my 40′s, and now that I am 50 I am in a cracker box apartment unable to buy catfood at the end of the month, and worrying what will happen if something ever happens to my car, air conditioner, cat, self… Because we are not ALLOWED to have any savings!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to the land of the free.
I had to sell all my jewelry two months ago to make my bissls, and have tried to make several businesses work but between the stress and my physical issues I just don’t have any idea how to make them all work and keep up with it all.
This past month it has been a constant parade from the bed to the couch to the bed to the couch and often I just skip the bed part.
I’m trying to find my joy, my self, my passion, all my friends are having wonderful lives around me and I feel like I am stuck in a weird film where I am standing still ( or laying on a couch ) and being still while life is zooming on around all over me.
My kids are all in AZ, I rarely talk to them since I know I can never see them and it hurts so much to know that I am such a loser that I can’t even take a vacation to go see them; I’ve lost touch with so many people just because they have moved along and I have just stopped responding since I never feel like doing anything.
My whole life is the 400 square feet and the 12 stems it takes to get from the bed to the bathroom to the kitchen once in a while (more for the cat than me) and the couch.
Most days I have no idea what day it is any more.
I wonder what happened to the person that had so many huge ideas, plans, love, energy, life, people… I’m just a ghost of that person now. I go for days without even bothering to check the mail since I know there’s nothing there but junk or bad news.
I am leaving the apartment to go downstairs in a few minutes, since a food pantry truck brings our building free bread twice a month and if I don’t get down there soon people will snatch it all up before anyone else gets it.
I feel like I am a step above homeless at this point.
That’s my update.
10/2009
Life is a cruel mistress. It also takes you on rides you forget to buckle up for. It’s always in how you look at it, the classic glass half empty/half full debate; I’ve often seen it as it doesn’t matter, I still have to clean the glass.
Last October my husband started cheating on me. He denied it, trying to do the ‘looking into my eyes’ Jedi mind trick, etc, but I think he forgot who he was married to… When you are married to a psychic, it’s hard to hide! And… just to clarify (and you women all give me a yes girl) when you cheat emotionally, it’s the same thing.
After 3 years of not working, and helping put him through school, I expected him to be getting an education, not a new girlfriend… but big man on campus got a big head and thought he was really back in college for the first time… again.
I went to Phoenix in March when my daughter had her second baby (a boy!) and decided to try to recover and do some healing with my friends, and stayed with some wonderful friends that took care of me. Meanwhile he was home driving 3 hours each way to go salsa dancing (woohoo!!) on school nights, and was a bit annoyed one morning when I called him and he had gotten home at 6am cause they got lost coming home… Oh yea, he told me all about it! Cause if you tell your wife about it, then it doesn’t count… right??
Going to school part-time and still not working, we were not making the house payment and in trouble. He was working a part-time job dish washing at a place his friend managed, and then stayed late into the night there drinking… and not coming home til the next morning!! He ‘stayed with a friend’ cause he didn’t want to drive after drinking… How about come home and get some sleep for school…? And a ‘friend’? lol…. Then he was drinking every night at home, and still not making enough to make the house payment, and was tired of me complaining about it… I’m so evil.
Being disabled and stress makes it worse, I was up 20 hours a day and all night trying to find ways to get things paid, and I finally gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped paying the house payment, since that wasn’t working and they wouldn’t take a partial payment. No stress now! lol!
I remember one night he was going upstairs, black russian in hand, and he said “If it wasn’t for this house, we’d be living in separate apartments.” ?
I thought about that for a bit. He doesn’t do anything to help. He isn’t contributing enough to save the house, so what is he really saying? He already has a new girlfriend, so what does he care?
We argued one night about J; he said he was at her house ‘baking cookies” while I was gone. He said he finally saw what a ‘real house’ should look like. (I’m an artist, and things are eclectic here. He also said he liked her ’cause he didn’t have to take care of her’… OF COURSE NOT YOU IDIOT… HER BOYFRIEND DOES!!!
So, I told him he could leave, I gave him separation documents and said go ahead and go, he wasn’t doing me any good here, he might as well go.
TWO weeks later he still was hanging around! I had had it. I went to the place he plays games with his friends (second home) and said he had 5 days to get out. He told me I had great timing, finals were that week… lol!! He was playing!!! But he did it, and I made him take everything so he wasn’t coming back and forth for things like he did when we were separated once before (when he begged to come back because he couldn’t live without me).
I was sad, upset, and I was under the impression that he would get it together, and we would still have a chance to work it out, he would get his education and we would move to Oregon like we had planned for the past 5 years.
One day he came over to tell me he was seeing someone. This was someone new, and I just said ‘okay.’ Whatever. He had been sending mixed signals, and still was after that, so I was confused, but he asked how the divorce would be handled, if I was going to do it like my last one (internet paperwork and just sign and file)
I said no, I don’t want a divorce, so I’m not doing it. He was a bit perplexed at that. He said ‘well, it takes two, you know…’
No, I don’t know. It takes one to file, and the other one to agree… I have no intention of letting him just walk off into the sunset without a fight after supporting him for all this time and going through that for a year (women, please let me know what you think.)
Not a very psychic entry, but we are real people too.
Now I am left with a house that is worth less than the mortgage, all the stuff in it, heading into winter, no idea where to go, on disability, no family or friends really, and just heading out of a 5 month depression. My house is a mess of boxes and stuff everywhere trying to figure out where 12 years of stuff is going to go into a 2 bedroom apartment (hopefully), what to get rid of. An artist has a hard time parting with most everything, but I had a blow out garage sale this weekend, unfortunately it was in the 20′s yesterday!!! After hiring people to help me work it and get ready, I made nothing really, but got rid of lots of stuff.
Now on to phase two… whatever that is!! lol!
Starting to feel like I will be human again some day, but this has really taken the wind out of my sails. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone again, and the thought of being the crazy cat lady for the rest of my life is unappealing.
Happy Autumn, Hope you all are doing well and looking forward to the holidays!
Vanessa Owl-Lady
