Ten Stages of Grief – When You’ve Lost Yourself`
I know this is intended to be geared toward more of a guide to the death of a loved one; but aren’t you a loved one? When this hits you in the prine of your life it takes over. People leave you; the things you used to be able to do you can’t do anymore. Things you used to be able to do like simple math or taking a shower are no longer quick mindless tasks, but can consume the entire morning, and you need a nap afterward. When you are in your late 30’s you feel like you are dead. Depression hits big time, and chances are it’s not the first depression you have been in, but this is the Major League. You now are living a new life- unable to make a living, and if you had a good job like I had, going from feeding the family and friends to eating bread from the foodbank for an entire month is a hard place to be both physically and mentally. People leave. Family leave. They think you are lazy or if you would just ‘exercise’ get out, etc, you could ’snap out of it. They don’t realize that it is eating away at your brain. That when they lovingly slap you on the shoulder you feel like you have just been cracked with a Louisville slugger… then they wonder why you are being anti-social– all the noise and information coming at you is too much to take in, your body goes into hyperdrive trying to process it all and you short circuit.
You no longer are you, and when you have that realization CRACK YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR SKULL you make out a list of your belongings and who each item should go to, because you just don’t know how long you can keep up the fucking charade. This list is written for a person experiencing a death, but if read correctly you can factor yourself into it and get some real insight and comfort from it. I did.
1. Shock: The initial stage of grief is usually experienced even if the death has been expected, as in a long terminal illness. There is only so much physical or psychic pain which can be endured by the mind, and when that limit is reached, the mental/emotional system shuts down. There is often denial, which can last for quite some time. This is expressed as “numbness,” or as a sense of unreality.
2. Emotional Release: As the shock wears off, there is a need to release all the emotions that have been building up. This release may be verbal or physical, and while this is healthy, care should be taken to ensure the safety of the individual, others, or personal property. Some hospitals have recognized this stage of grief and have provided special “screaming rooms” where these powerful emotions can be safely vented.
3. Depression: There are often feelings of loneliness and utter isolation that come with depression. The feeling of “there is no help for me” is normal and very common. There is a push/pull situation, wanting to be alone and yet feeling a need for people at the same time. This frequently produces fears of panic and impending insanity.
4. Physical Symptoms of Distress: The grieving individual will often take on the physical symptoms of the illness that caused the death of the loved one. In the event of an accident, the bereaved will sometimes feel pressure in the chest or have stomach problems, and fear heart attack or cancer. This is normal and usually indicates the depth of the loss and the person experiencing the loss wishing to “join” the deceased.
5. Anxiety: A common response to loss is for the bereaved to experience vivid dreams of the deceased, so vivid that they believe the have actually seen or heard their loved one. Another common manifestation is that the bereaved will mistake another person for the deceased, usually on the street or in a store. This will sometimes cause great embarrassment as they may address the stranger, only to realize their mistake.
6. Hostility: When a loved one has died, it is very common for the survivor to feel anger at those who were involved in the situation, especially medical personnel and clergy. There is a feeling of “Why didn’t you do more?” God is a frequent target for this rage, which many people have a difficult time accepting.
7. Guilt: This emotion can be imaginary or exaggerated, but should not be ignored. Following the death, it is a common experience for the survivor to remember only the negative aspects of the relationship, those times of insensitivity or harsh words spoken in anger. Seldom does the bereaved pause and remember the beautiful times when all the love and tenderness were evident.
8. Hesitancy to Renew Normal Activities: There is often a fear of returning to the regular routine of living. This fear takes several aspects. There is concern about how people will respond to the bereaved; there is a desire to talk about the deceased but also a fear of rejection. There is a pain that comes with hearing that “special” song, or seeing something in a store that brings back the memory of the loved one.
9. Healing of Memories: There is a slow realization that the painful memories are part of the healing process and must be integrated into the life of the bereaved. It is a time of reaching out, however tentatively, to embrace fully all that has happened and to accept that life must change if it is to continue. The memories become less frightening, and the sky a bit brighter as the bereaved begins to face the world with more and more confidence.
10. Acceptance of One’s New Role in Life: Loss brings about changes. Whether it is the resumption of single life after years of marriage, or going on through the years without a parent, there must be the realization that a new role is to be accepted and lived. The cycle of life continues, and the bereaved can finally shed the cloak of grief and take on the robe of peace and renewal.
A Path Through Grief
Understanding and having words for what you experience during grief can help you cope with the process of grieving. Our graph gives a picture of many experiences of grief, but it does not give an accurate map of your personal path through these experiences. Which ones will you face? In what order? For how long? Like snowflakes, individual styles of grief are unique. Despite the differences, knowing that others have endured their grief and discovered a new interest in life can give you courage as you set forth to discover your own path through grief.
The next few pages briefly describe each experience shown in the picture, except pride. Pride can cause a bereaved person to refuse help. Because of pride, pain and weakness may be hidden from others and even from oneself. Pride is placed in the center of the picture because it can block any path through one’s grief at any point.
10 Common Myths About Grieving
· Replace the Loss/Grieve Alone
· Just give it time
· Regret the Past
· Don’t Trust
· There is a stage-like progression to mourning
· It is best to move away from grief rather than toward it.
· The goal is to “get over” your grief.
· Tears expressing grief are a sign of weakness.
· Bury one’s feelings.
Variables Affecting the Grief Process
In discussing the overall pattern evident in the grief process, it has been emphasized that each individual will grieve differently. These individual responses depend on a number of variable impacting upon the mourner.
| Variable |
Examples |
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Relationship of the
Deceased to the Survivor |
Grandparent-more expected
Young child - unfair, unexpected |
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| Nature of the Relationship of the Deceased to the Survivor |
Strength of Attachment
Dependency on Other For Identity/Function
Plans and Dreams Together |
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| Type of Death (Natural, Accidental, Suicidal, Homicidal) |
Long Illness - anticipatory grieving
Suicide - guilt and shame
Child murdered - rage |
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| Circumstances Surrounding the Death |
Peaceful, Prepared, Communication is Easier
Tragic, Unpleasant - More Difficult |
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| Past History of Losses |
First experience with Death - maybe extremely difficult. |
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| Grieving Pattern of the death |
Never really grieved earlier
Survivor impact may be doubly traumatic. |
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| Personality Traits of the Survivor |
Well adjusted to life - easier time with grief.
Has Pessimistic Outlook - may have difficult time. |
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| Social and Cultural Factors |
Loving Family Nearby - easier grieving.
Children to care for - Neglect one’s own grief.
No living relatives - more difficult.
Church or community Support- easier. |
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| Other Recent Losses or Stresses |
Additional deaths of close family or Friends - more difficulty with grief.
Financial Problems - more difficulty. |
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| Disposition of Body & Type of Memorialization |
Traditional funeral - cremation. With no memorial - just family. Memorial Only - |
Common Manifestations of Grief
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Emotional
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Cognitive/Intellectual
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Agitation
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Confusion
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Anger
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Concentration difficulty
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Anxiousness
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Disbelief
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Compliance
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Disorientation
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Critical of self
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Errors in language usage
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Depression
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Forgetfulness
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Fear
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Inattention
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Guilt
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Hallucinations
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Helplessness
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Lack of awareness to external
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Indecisiveness
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details, events
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Irritable
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Loss of creativity
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Jealous
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Loss of productivity
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Moodiness
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Memory loss (esp. short term)
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Nightmares/Dreams
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Over achievement
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Pining
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Preoccupied
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Panic attacks
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Sense of presence
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Numb
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Restless
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Physical
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Sadness
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Alcohol/drug abuse
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Self-reproach
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Allergies
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Shock
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Asthma
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Stomach aches
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Behavioral
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Sexual disinterest
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Absent minded
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Appetite change
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Angry outbursts
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Breathlessness/Chest tightness
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Appetite disturbances
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Constipation
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Difficulty with relationships
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Diarrhea
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Exaggerated positive behavior
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Dry mouth
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Loss of interest in living
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Heartache
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Hyperactive
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High blood pressure
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Loss of self-esteem
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Hollowness in stomach
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Past oriented
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Hyperventilation
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Restless
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Hives, rashes
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Rumination
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Indigestion
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Social withdrawal or
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Insomnia
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great need for friends
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Illness, no energy
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Searching for deceased
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Low infection resistance
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Thoughts of death
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Migraine headaches
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Muscle tightness
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Nausea, stomach aches
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Sighing
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Pounding heart
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Tearfulness
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Throat tightness
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Oversensitive to noise
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Acute Stress Symptoms
Gastrointestinal Disturbances
Anorexia
Nausea
Frequent heartburn
Diarrhea
Weight gain or loss
Neurological Problems
Tensions headaches
Tingling sensations in extremities
Restless sleep
Dream about problems
Migraines
Nightmares/ inability to sleep
Respiratory and Cardiological
Palpitations or heart flutters
Wheezing
Gasping for air
Shortness of breath
Frequent sighs
High chest pain
Musculoskeletal Disturbances
Aching in joints or muscles with no apparent cause
Marked weakness
Exhaustion
Movement requires effort
General Mood Problems
General concentration span is reduced: Daydreams interrupt normal activities.
Analytical thought processes and decision-making are impaired
Apathy towards daily activities
Self induced isolation
Anxiety attacks (major or minor)
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Irritable
Numb
Understanding Grief
Grief with its many ups and downs lasts far longer than society in general recognizes. Be patient with yourself. Each person’s grief is individual.
Crying is an acceptable and healthy expression of grief and releases built-up tension for everyone. Cry freely as you feel the need.
Physical reactions to death may include loss of appetite or overeating, sleeplessness, and sexual difficulties. You may find that you have very little energy and cannot concentrate. A balanced diet, rest and moderate exercise are especially important in this time.
Avoid use of drugs and alcohol. Medication should be taken sparingly and only under the supervision of your physician. Many substances are addictive and can lead to a chemical dependence. In addition, they may stop or delay the necessary grieving process. Friends and relatives may be uncomfortable around you because they want to ease your pain but do not know how. Take the initiative and help them learn how to be supportive to you. Talk about your loss so they know this is appropriate.
Whenever possible, put off major decisions (changing residence, changing job etc.) for at least a year.
Avoid making decisions about your loved one’s belongings. Do not allow others to take over or to rush you. You can do it little by little whenever you feel ready.
You may feel that you have nothing to live for and may think about a release from this intense pain. Be assured that many feel this way, but that a sense of purpose and meaning does return and the pain does lessen.
Guilt, real or imagined, is a normal part of grief. It surfaces in thoughts and feelings of “if only”. In order to resolve this guilt, learn to express and share these feelings and learn to forgive yourself.
Anger is another common reaction to loss. Anger, like guilt, needs expression and sharing in a healthy and acceptable manner.
Children are often the forgotten grievers within a family. They are experiencing many of the same emotions you are; so share thoughts and tears with them. Though it is a painful time, be sure they feel loved and included.
Holidays and the anniversaries of your loved one’s birth and death can be stressful times. Consider the feelings of the entire family in planning how to spend the day. Allow time and space for your own emotions.
Death often causes one to challenge and examine his/her faith or philosophy of life. Don’t be disturbed if you are questioning old beliefs. Talk about it. For many, faith offers help to accept the unacceptable.
It helps to become involved with a group of others having similar experiences; sharing eases loneliness and promotes the expression of your grief in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding.
The Phases of Grief
Many writers talk about the various stages of grief, but it is often easier to picture these as three phases:
The first phase is intellectual and resides in the head.
Loss is dealt with on a very rational level.
The bereaved is able to talk about the death in an almost clinical manner.
It is also common to find people using religion as an emotional blanket, as if it is a betrayal of faith to mourn for someone who has died. Emotion is kept at a distance.
Any hint of sorrow is swept away as being nonexistent.
The second phase is emotional and resides in the heart.
Strong emotions such as anger, fear and guilt come into play.
The bereaved experiences bouts of uncontrolled weeping.
This is a difficult phase for the griever and those around the griever.
There is often little or no provocation for emotional outbursts.
The third phase is reconciliation and is in the gut.
Emotional swings slow down.
The griever begins to find self and reorganize life.
An emotional scar forms and is no longer painful to touch.
The deceased is never forgotten.
Focal point in life now shifts.
Life begins again with renewed vigor and love.
Feelings of Grief
Disbelief
You expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. You can’t cry, because you don’t believe it.
Shock
Nature softens the blow, temporarily. You are numb and dazed. Your emotions are frozen. You go through the motions like a robot.
Crying
Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as loud sobbing and crying. Give yourself time for tears. They can help.
Physical Symptoms
You may sleep or eat too little or too much. You may have physical aches, pains, numbness or weakness. Check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Usually the symptoms fade gradually.
Denial
You know the fact of death, but you forget. You expect your loved one to telephone or walk in the door. You search for him/her.
Why?
“Why did he/she have to die?” You don’t expect an answer, but you need to ask repeatedly. The question itself is a cry of pain.
Repeating
Over and over again, you tell the same story, think the same thoughts. Repeating helps you to absorb the painful reality.
Self-Control
You control your emotions to fulfill your responsibilities or to rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to your grieving, but constant rigid self-control can block healing.
Reality
“It really happened.” You feel you’re getting worse. Actually reality has just hit, and support from friends and family may be diminishing.
Confusion
You can’t think. You forget in mid-sentence. You are disorganized and impatient with yourself.
Idealizing
You remember only good traits, as if your loved one was perfect. You find it hard to accept the not-so-perfect memories.
Identifying
Wanting to stay close, you copy your loved one’s style of dress, hobbies, interest or habits. You may carry a special object of his/hers.
Anxiety
You are frightened of losing control or going crazy. You panic about the future, money or other people you could lose.
Bargaining
You want things as they were. By wishing, or bargaining with God, you try to bring your loved one back to life.
Depression
You hurt so much you don’t care about anything. Everything becomes an effort.
Relief
What a relief! You’re so much better. You can laugh and have fun. Enjoy these moments when they occur.
Expectations
You feel you aren’t grieving “right,” or healing fast enough. Your own expectations, or those of others, add to your burden.
Low Self-Esteem
Like most bereaved people, your self-confidence and self-esteem fall temporarily far below your normal levels.
Preoccupation
You think of nothing but your loved one. No matter what you are doing, you are preoccupied with your loss.
Guilt
Regrets torture you. You keep going over real or imagined mistakes in your relationship with your loved one.
Anger
You feel intensely angry with yourself, others, the person who died, or God. You feel irritated by everyone and everything.
Loneliness
You feel empty and isolated. You withdraw from your friends. They are busy with their own lives and you feel they have no time for you.
Despair
The agony is unbearable. You feel you won’t be able to survive. You feel hopeless and don’t want to go on living.
Sadness
You feel heartbroken, sorrowful and inconsolable. Unhappiness pervades your life. You miss your loved one’s presence desperately.
Helplessness
You feel unable to help yourself cope with your grief. You feel powerless because you cannot control your feelings.
Envy
You envy others. Their pleasure in their loved ones makes you keenly feel what you have lost. They don’t deserve their good fortune. You don’t deserve your bad fortune.
Frustration
Your past fulfillment’s are gone. You haven’t found new ones yet. You feel you’re not coping with the grief “right.”
Bitterness
Temporary feelings of resentment and hatred, especially toward those in some way responsible for your loss, are natural. Habitual bitterness, however, can drain energy and block healing.
Waiting
The struggle is over, but your zest has not returned. You are in limbo, exhausted, uncertain. Life seems flat.
Hope
You believe you will get better. The good days balance out the bad. Sometimes you can work effectively, enjoy activities, and really care for others.
Missing
You never stop missing your loved one. Particular days, places and activities can bring back the pain as intensely as ever.
Commitment
You know you have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but you decide to actively begin building a new life for yourself.
Seeking
You take initiative, renewing your involvement with former friends and activities. You begin exploring new opportunities.
Hanging On
Some days you hang on to the grief, which is familiar. Letting go is a more final goodbye to your loved one. You let go gradually.
Peace
You can reminisce about your loved one with a sense of peace. You feel able to accept the death and face your own future.
Life Opens Up
Life has value and meaning again. You can enjoy, appreciate and anticipate events. You are willing to let the rest of your life be all it can be.
